Insomnia

During certain times...of my life...I suffer from severe insomnia. It's not in any pattern and comes sporadically. Thankfully it's usually before my days off or on a day where I can get some extra sleep if I ever do fall asleep. I was tired all day today, so you would think I would have crashed hours ago. It's nearly 5 now. Getting pretty tired of this, no pun intended (or maybe it is...I can't think straight).

I am taking this time to work on my new photo album. I suggest looking over to the left of your screen and checking it out. 2009 was a good picture year. We had some pretty fun adventures and I even helped delivery my friend's baby. How many times will I get to do that in my life? I'm going to finish this up and then HOPEFULLY get to bed!

addicted to facebook

I have found all sorts of people using Facebook this week (thanks a lot, Jennie). I think Melissa and I and I'm sure a few others need to start a FBAA (Facebook Addict's Anonymous) Club, because I'm addicted! It's so exciting to meet up with old friends and see where they are. I have to wonder though, what made us lose contact in the first place? My excuse is moving to the other side of the country. That will make it hard for people to find you! Well, I have to drag myself away from the wonders of FB and go get Grace and Lex from school!

the 2 just doesn't work

I have discovered that the 2 on my keyboard does not work. I can use the 2 on the number pad, but that won't make the "at" symbol for e-mailing! The "D" also does not work part of the time. We have 5 other keyboards in this house, but this seems to be the one my husband likes best and insists on using. I do have my own computer, with the keyboard that I love, but it's in our spare bedroom. Our spare "oom" has no light fixture nor a ceiling fan, so it gets rather dark and hot in there. We bought a new ceiling fan for our bedroom so we are going to move the old one into that room and install the new one in our bedroom. Hopefully that will cool that room off! Then I can finally have a keyboard that won't malfunction.

It is very early in the morning, nearly 3 am. I am supposed to be up in 3 and a half hours to get Grace ready for school. I have had a really bad few weeks. My Uncle's passing has been very hard for me and my family. I have been an emotional wreck. Nearly two weeks ago I started feeling out of sorts. It was more than just my normal fibromyalgia outbursts because it was affecting my mood as well. The girls started school last week and I got up every day at 6:30. I did just fine, but I was coming home and sleeping until 1! I finally figured out what the problem was and after the week I have had I am almost certain that I had a miscarriage. Nearly the same thing happened 2 years ago, but this time the pain was more of a major concern than anything else. Friday night I couldn't do anything to feel better and I woke Forest up at 3 am. I was in tears it was so terrible. I was crying uncontrollably, I completely broke down mentally. It was an extremely strange feeling. I used to be prone to panic attacks and the last time I remember having one was in 2002, just before I met Forest. This was by far the worst one I've ever had. The pain stopped almost completely by Saturday morning, but I didn't end up working, I slept all day and on Sunday as well. I felt immensely better on Monday and have felt better everyday since. I am still taking naps after I get home in the morning but they aren't very long. I can't figure out why I'm not sleeping tonight. I have tried everything and nothing is working! I am notorious for not having a very good sleeping schedule and I know whacked out hormones aren't going to help that. I am hoping that next week I can really work on that and get all the sleep I need before I need to get up in the morning.

I really feel like I did miscarry, I can just feel it in my heart. I will probably never know if I really did or not and I would rather not know for sure. It's heartbreaking to lose something that special. I have wanted to have a child since the day we were married but I knew it was going to be a long, hard battle and I am fine with that. When the time is right, it will happen. For right now, I am glad that Jennie doesn't have to search for another care giver for Grace. I can't imagine finding someone I would approve to be good enough for her! ;)

meh...

The last couple of days...or weeks...have been really up and down for me. The weather has been doing the same and when it changes so often like it has been, my body just hates it. Last night I had a power headache of the century complete with severe shoulder pain. I ended up going to bed very early and the only thing that even touched the pain was a heating pad. Thank goodness for those! I did end up getting a very restful night's sleep in the end.

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been ripping apart our site...again. I guess I am never satisfied. I think it's staying like this for a bit, but I said that a few months ago. I did figure out how to intigrate our gallery into wordpress, which was probably the biggest geek moment of mine in a while. I actually got up and started dancing. For those of you who care, that means my gallery (my pictures, that is) will look just like the rest of my blog. I'm still trying to tweak stuff into the right place and for some reason I can't get it right. If I try to get it perfect though, I will never post again and with this week's events, I didn't want to wait forever.

Although I think most of the people who read my blog are members of the LDS Church, for those of you who are not, our President and Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, died on Sunday. He has been Prophet for almost 13 years and therefore the majority of my life. When I heard the news, all I could think was how happy he probably was to be with his wife and our Heavenly Father again. Some might find it strange that I am feeling happy about his death, but there is no other way to describe it. He lived a very full life (he would turn 98 years old on June 23rd) and accomplished all that he set out to do, I'm sure. The biggest blessing the Church has given me is the fact that I know deep in my heart that we will be united with our loved ones again. I lost several family members very early in my life but have been comforted even as a small child with this knowledge. My favorite talk of his was the "6 B's" talk given only to the youth and young adults of the Church in 2000. I was 17 at the time and going through a horrible period in my life. I unfortunately suffer from chronic depression, something I've learned to overcome in recent years, but struggled with it quite badly as a teenager. Now, I grew up in the Church but gaining a testimony of it was something that was difficult for me. I knew it was true, but really didn't have reasons to tell myself or anyone else why I thought it was true. After hearing our Prophet speak directly to the youth, and therefore feeling it was directly to me, I knew that my testimony had just begun to grow, even if it was just the slightest bit. It has been a very long battle for me to fully understand how I feel about the Church. Starting with that particular talk, he helped me on the path that I am on now. My life in the last 7 years has changed dramatically but I can still take those words into heart and use them even now. He was such an inspiration to those he taught and he will be greatly missed.

I think that is all I have the energy for tonight, I will continue my thoughts after a good night's rest!