Stephanie Nielson

If you have yet to see the Mormon Message about Stephanie and her family, please watch it, it's beautiful and amazing.

I watched this a few weeks ago when I wasn't feeling very well. Forest asked me to watch it, I think he knew it would help me feel better. Today has been a rough day, it's been a rough few weeks. I knew I needed to watch it again. I found Stephanie's blog and went all of the way back to before the accident. She has a beautiful life, the life that I have always wanted. Faith, a wonderful husband and adorable healthy children. Even with all of the advercities she has to face for the rest of her life, she is still a daughter of God and knows her true worth. I wish that everyone could have that attitude. I love hearing the stories she tells of her and her husband, Christian. He is just as amazing as she is.

So, as I have been feeling down and out for weeks now and with feeling stiff, tired, unmotivated and everything else I have been feeling, I have let so many things go. I just don't feel like I have the strength to move on and get things done. Even going home and making dinner has been a challenge most nights after getting home from work (where, usually, I feel the best all day, that's a blessing). Forest has stepped up and pinched in more than he ever has. After hearing about how much Christian has done to take care of Stephanie, I didn't even have to contemplate for one second if Forest would do the same thing for me, because I know he already has. When my body revolts against me, he is right there ready to take on anything that comes with it. I could never express how amazing my husband is, there just isn't an earthly possible way to do it. He has faced much adversity in his own life and sometimes I feel like I should be ashamed with the issues I bring to the table, but he is always there to guide and help me, no matter what.

I find I am the exact opposite of most people when it comes to prayer. I am always very quick to pray in thanks to our Heavenly Father, to let him know I appreciate all of the wonderful things he has given us. I still find it so amazing that we live in a great house, we both have jobs we love, we have never struggled with financial problems, even when Forest was unemployed during parts of the first few years of our marriage. I even thank him for the time we have to share as a couple. Because we don't have children, we have had so much time to bond and develop together. While it is sad we haven't received that blessing, we know that He is waiting for the right time for Him. We are so thankful for the blessings he gives us in return for all of this waiting. On the other hand though, I rarely pray when I am having a rough time. I feel like He doesn't need to be bothered with my problems, that no one needs to be bothered with them. I sometimes wonder why the help isn't coming and it's because I haven't asked! I am trying to be better about that...

Stephanie's attitude toward her appearance has really uplifted me. I know she is sad that her former self is gone, that she is this new person. Her spirit about it is amazing though. I have read so many hurtful comments about her being vain, but not once have I felt that about anything she has said. I could only imagine what it would be like to go from looking one way to looking completely different and then top it off with immense pain and troubles with mobility. I have struggled with appearance issues my entire life, being my weight, thinning hair, premature graying, having hair where I REALLY don't want it, my big feet, those types of things. All women struggle with their appearance and it's a constant struggle at that! As a teenager I thought I would never be thought of as "beautiful". Meeting Forest changed that, as he tells me on a regular basis how beautiful I am, even if I don't feel it myself. I have slowly learned to love some of those parts of me. I have to dye my hair, but it's a fun bonding experience for Forest and I (because he has to help me!) and I have an excuse to try new colors. I have finally found a hair cut that I love, but is easy to hide my thin spot (and I get SO many compliments about it, even though I've had it for 6 months now). I have finally found a skincare routine that minimizes the redness in my face and takes care of blemishes, because I can't believe I still have them at my age! I have felt different my entire life, but we are all different and beautiful and that unites us as women.

I doubt Stephanie will ever read this, I'm just one little spec floating around in cyber-space, but she really has me thinking about things I can do to change my life. I have many roadblocks in my way, but I can still try my best to get through them (or go around them!). I want to thank her for sharing her story, even if some days she just doesn't feel like it! Her blog is under my most visited now, I would encourage everyone to read it from time to time.

It will be fine...

Something dawned on me a few months ago. Forest and I got married when I was almost 21 years old. My Mom was also 21 when she married my Dad. She was 23 when she had my sister, Crystal, and was just about to turn 26 years old when she had me. That means when she was 25, in the fall after her birthday, my parents decided to have another baby. If I were running on that same time line, I would already be pregnant with my second child. My parents planned us out pretty well, we are all 3 years apart, nearly to the day. Part of me wishes that it were that easy for me.

It is not a secret that Forest and I are having a hard time having a baby. If you are reading this and didn't know that, I'm actually quite shocked! I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but not in the way you might think. I have suffered miscarriages and so many false alarms. There are times I get so discouraged and curse my body for being so uncooperative. For the most part though, I am actually okay dealing with all of this. From a very young age, I have always known that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to get married young, have a few children and live happily ever after. I did get married fairly young and I know that I was ready to. In school it seemed we were constantly writing papers about where wanted to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. I'm sure all of those papers included owning a house, being married, having children, etc. I had a teacher named Ms. Maul, she was my Allied Health teacher and also my absolute favorite. She always told us that none of us could have kids (or get married for that matter) until we were 25. When she found out I got married she still told me to wait until I was 25 to start having kids. I would blame this all on her, but I'm 25 and still nothing!

A few weeks ago I started having really bad food aversions, night-time nausea and other tell-tale pregnancy signs. We got our hopes up really high actually. We have been on this spiritual high for the past two months, we felt that this really could be it, that us getting Sealed was going to finally bring us this miracle. It didn't. Dealing with this is something that I have to do, talking about it and knowing that it's really alright. There is so much of me that wants to hold our first tiny little thing in my arms. I think there is more that we need to accomplish first.

The true purpose of this is to let all of my friends and family know that it is alright to talk about this. There are so many of my friends who have had problems having kids in the past and as much as it pains me that you are having to deal with this too, having you there helps me know that anything is possible. I will always be sad when it doesn't happen, but I will continue to be sad if I can't let it out and let everyone help me get through.

I can tell you who probably helps me the most and doesn't even know it is Gracie. She has taught me so much about patience in the last 18 months. I'm sure she has learned to be patient with me sometimes too. No matter what mistakes I might make with her though, I know that she has unconditional love for everyone in her life. She sees the things in me that I can't see in myself.

I feel like my life has been put on hold slightly, like we are just standing around waiting for this big change. We have made a lot of progress this last year though, we have made several huge leaps forward so it seems completely unfitting for me to feel this way! I guess that is a big thing I need to work on, knowing that we need to move on with our lives and enjoy being in it with each other and the people we have surrounding us. We are so blessed to have what we have, our friends, our family and our home. Thank you for your patience, whoever took the time to read this, those are my true friends and you know who you are!

the 2 just doesn't work

I have discovered that the 2 on my keyboard does not work. I can use the 2 on the number pad, but that won't make the "at" symbol for e-mailing! The "D" also does not work part of the time. We have 5 other keyboards in this house, but this seems to be the one my husband likes best and insists on using. I do have my own computer, with the keyboard that I love, but it's in our spare bedroom. Our spare "oom" has no light fixture nor a ceiling fan, so it gets rather dark and hot in there. We bought a new ceiling fan for our bedroom so we are going to move the old one into that room and install the new one in our bedroom. Hopefully that will cool that room off! Then I can finally have a keyboard that won't malfunction.

It is very early in the morning, nearly 3 am. I am supposed to be up in 3 and a half hours to get Grace ready for school. I have had a really bad few weeks. My Uncle's passing has been very hard for me and my family. I have been an emotional wreck. Nearly two weeks ago I started feeling out of sorts. It was more than just my normal fibromyalgia outbursts because it was affecting my mood as well. The girls started school last week and I got up every day at 6:30. I did just fine, but I was coming home and sleeping until 1! I finally figured out what the problem was and after the week I have had I am almost certain that I had a miscarriage. Nearly the same thing happened 2 years ago, but this time the pain was more of a major concern than anything else. Friday night I couldn't do anything to feel better and I woke Forest up at 3 am. I was in tears it was so terrible. I was crying uncontrollably, I completely broke down mentally. It was an extremely strange feeling. I used to be prone to panic attacks and the last time I remember having one was in 2002, just before I met Forest. This was by far the worst one I've ever had. The pain stopped almost completely by Saturday morning, but I didn't end up working, I slept all day and on Sunday as well. I felt immensely better on Monday and have felt better everyday since. I am still taking naps after I get home in the morning but they aren't very long. I can't figure out why I'm not sleeping tonight. I have tried everything and nothing is working! I am notorious for not having a very good sleeping schedule and I know whacked out hormones aren't going to help that. I am hoping that next week I can really work on that and get all the sleep I need before I need to get up in the morning.

I really feel like I did miscarry, I can just feel it in my heart. I will probably never know if I really did or not and I would rather not know for sure. It's heartbreaking to lose something that special. I have wanted to have a child since the day we were married but I knew it was going to be a long, hard battle and I am fine with that. When the time is right, it will happen. For right now, I am glad that Jennie doesn't have to search for another care giver for Grace. I can't imagine finding someone I would approve to be good enough for her! ;)

a lot to feel

My Uncle Richard (my Dad's second oldest brother) was diagnosed with throat cancer in April 2005. He spent three years battling this relentless disease before passing away on Saturday morning. He was only 61. Depending on how I am feeling about it at the moment, sometimes I feel very good about his passing, glad that he isn't in pain anymore and happy that he is with my Grandparents and our Heavenly Father. Other times I just lose it and completely break down. Every once in a while I can't figure out why my Uncle, who was one of the best men I've ever known, had to endure this terrible fate. I've been comforted a lot this week, armed with the knowledge of everlasting life and eternal families.

I have so many good things to say about my Uncle. He has led a very interesting life and has had so many hardships to deal with but never let them define him. He had such a strong testimony of the gospel. I am going to miss him very much and he will be missed by many many others.

Richard Wilson's Obituary

hamster heaven

I need to update more than once a week! When I don't, my posts are a million miles long. I'll try to keep this one short, I promise.

I'm pretty sure Grace said Mama the other day. We have been working with her to say it and she will, but not meaningfully. I had just fed her and turned around to clean up her bowl and she peeps up and says "Mama?" like it was a question. I turned around and said "Did you just say Mama, Grace?". She got so happy and scooted over to me and was patting my knee! I said, "Can you say Mama again?" and she kept patting my leg. I went "Ohhh, I'm not Mama!" and she just laughed. It was so darn cute. I wish she would do it again. If she could say Mama when she wanted Jennie instead of screaming at her it would make our lives so much easier!

I came home from Jennie's on Saturday and Forest said "I have some sad news for you" and I said "Oh, please don't tell me that Baby died." Well, she had. How strange is it for both of our hamsters to die exactly a week apart? I held Baby Saturday morning and she was acting totally fine. Neither of them looked sick before they died. We weren't planning on getting another one, but decided to anyway. The Dendy girls were over here yesterday and I figured they would be sad hearing about Baby's death, but I think the new hamster made up for that. I let them help us name it and the name we all agreed upon was Madison, or Matty for short. She is a big ball of fluff and so cute!

Our house is clean, for once. Pretty much everything is packed that can be packed, so I'm not sure what to do on my day off. I finally bought a pair of Crocs on Saturday and I LOVE them. I walked around in them all day yesterday and my feet felt like they were on air. I had no idea my feet could feel so comfortable. I get driven nuts by tennis shoes because I feel like my feet are suffocating and flip-flops don't give me any support. Crocs are definitely a happen medium. I'm going to buy a bunch of different colors eventually, hopefully I can get them on sale like I did on Saturday. I just love them! Now that I have great comfy shoes, maybe I'll just walk around outside all day before the dreaded heat and humidity comes...

untitled too

I had a very silly emotional moment yesterday. I was cleaning up in our spare bedroom (which is full of Dell boxes right now!) and I went to feed my two hamsters. I looked at Baby, the oldest, and she just looked really weird. She was laying funny and I thought "oh, please don't be dead!". She wasn't, she got right up when I tapped on her cage and looked at me with great annoyance. I fed her and moved down to Claire, who was also asleep. She was laying even more oddly and her eyes were partially open. I tapped on the cage and she didn't move. Our poor little Claire was gone. I kind of broke down a little bit and started crying! I know it's just a hamster, but they are like our little babies! When we got Claire, she was a blaze of gray fur. She was the fastest hamster I've ever seen, when she ran on her wheel we probably could have powered something off of it. Baby is also almost a year older than Claire is. They are two different types of hamsters, so perhaps Claire wasn't meant to live any longer than she did.

In other news, we had the inspection on the house and things are still going good. There were some cracked bricks on the west end of the house, but the inspector doesn't think they are from any foundation problems. No one will ever see the west end of the house, but just to be sure we are having a foundation expert come to look at it tomorrow. Also tomorrow, we are going to see Karmen to get the loan offically underway. I'm still a little nervous about this, but we're just giving them the information to verify what we've already told them. I'm didn't lie, so I can't imagine why we would have any issues!

I finally got my raise! It was supposed to take effect in September so on this next paycheck I am getting there will be all of the back-pay from then. It worked out for me because now that I know we're buying a house, it was like a little unintentional savings plan. I just love my job and getting paid more to do it is great. Every once in a while when things are "bad" (things most of you do for nothing, like very dirty diapers) I laugh and say that I'm really earning my money. There has not been a single day where Grace hasn't made me laugh from my very core. Next year when Grace goes to school full time, I'm going to have someway to occupy my day because I won't be working until 3! I'm thinking about going back to school and getting some sort of degree. I may never use it, but having one is something I've always wanted. We'll see! We've got a big few months ahead of us!

meh...

The last couple of days...or weeks...have been really up and down for me. The weather has been doing the same and when it changes so often like it has been, my body just hates it. Last night I had a power headache of the century complete with severe shoulder pain. I ended up going to bed very early and the only thing that even touched the pain was a heating pad. Thank goodness for those! I did end up getting a very restful night's sleep in the end.

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been ripping apart our site...again. I guess I am never satisfied. I think it's staying like this for a bit, but I said that a few months ago. I did figure out how to intigrate our gallery into wordpress, which was probably the biggest geek moment of mine in a while. I actually got up and started dancing. For those of you who care, that means my gallery (my pictures, that is) will look just like the rest of my blog. I'm still trying to tweak stuff into the right place and for some reason I can't get it right. If I try to get it perfect though, I will never post again and with this week's events, I didn't want to wait forever.

Although I think most of the people who read my blog are members of the LDS Church, for those of you who are not, our President and Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, died on Sunday. He has been Prophet for almost 13 years and therefore the majority of my life. When I heard the news, all I could think was how happy he probably was to be with his wife and our Heavenly Father again. Some might find it strange that I am feeling happy about his death, but there is no other way to describe it. He lived a very full life (he would turn 98 years old on June 23rd) and accomplished all that he set out to do, I'm sure. The biggest blessing the Church has given me is the fact that I know deep in my heart that we will be united with our loved ones again. I lost several family members very early in my life but have been comforted even as a small child with this knowledge. My favorite talk of his was the "6 B's" talk given only to the youth and young adults of the Church in 2000. I was 17 at the time and going through a horrible period in my life. I unfortunately suffer from chronic depression, something I've learned to overcome in recent years, but struggled with it quite badly as a teenager. Now, I grew up in the Church but gaining a testimony of it was something that was difficult for me. I knew it was true, but really didn't have reasons to tell myself or anyone else why I thought it was true. After hearing our Prophet speak directly to the youth, and therefore feeling it was directly to me, I knew that my testimony had just begun to grow, even if it was just the slightest bit. It has been a very long battle for me to fully understand how I feel about the Church. Starting with that particular talk, he helped me on the path that I am on now. My life in the last 7 years has changed dramatically but I can still take those words into heart and use them even now. He was such an inspiration to those he taught and he will be greatly missed.

I think that is all I have the energy for tonight, I will continue my thoughts after a good night's rest!

no more tears

I had a good day yesterday. Jennie came to get me around noon and we with McKay and Alexa to see the Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. It's really fun to see on the big screen again and the girls enjoyed it. Afterward was Family Fun Day at Reata Rehabilitation. Grace does horse therapy at Reata once a week which helps her balance and muscle control. She's pretty adorable up on that horse. Once a year they have family fun day where they have games for the kids, a cake walk, food and other fun things. Grace was part of a little program which was very cute. There was a boy there, his name was Byron, who rode before Grace. His smile alone made me feel so much appreciation for all of God's children. He was probably my age, if not older, but has Cerebral Palsy and had caused severe problems with his motor skills. His parents were there and he hadn't seen them a while. He was so excited he nearly jumped right off the horse to get to them. I think about how some kids my age treat their parents and don't appreciate them at all, but Byron has endless love for his and will never feel anything else. He is so happy and that is really all that matters.

Today, well, I've been very emotional today! Sometimes for good reasons, other times for reasons that I wish weren't happening.

I woke up today at 9, mildly freaking out because we were supposed to leave for church at 10. I then realized we hadn't turned our clocks back an hour yet, so I laid there for a few more minutes before I finally got out of bed. We had a short meeting with Michelle Reed about the Christmas Party the three of us are planning for the ward. She has some excellent ideas, it should be a very fun night, so all of you in Trophy Club Ward be ready to be dazzled ;)

It was fast and testimony meeting and although I had a mild feeling to go up and bear mine, I decided that if I did no one would understand me due to my crying. I have so much to be grateful for right now, Forest and I are in a really good place in our relationship, with our jobs, with our lives. Courtney is doing fantastic, or as fantastic as she's going to be with her second round of chemo (she's still in remission, this is to just make sure she stays that way). The outpouring of blessings on her family have been abundant. I know their faith in Heavenly Father to watch over them is probably a huge reason they are doing so well emotionally with this burden and I know that they can handle it with his help. So many of us who have the gospel take it for granted, not truly knowing the miracles that can happen with faith.

I'm so glad Courtney is doing well and that this horrible thing is finally on it's way out. My happiness is mixed with sadness though, as my Uncle Richard is quickly losing his own battle with cancer. Words really can't express how I'm feeling right now. All I want to say is that it's not fair. I know that if I didn't have the faith I have now, I would not at all be able to handle this at all.

negative, again...

I have been feeling kind of gross the past three days. I think it has something to do with my sugar, but I haven't been able to find my glucose monitor for a little while. I need to just buy a new one! I am feeling hungry, when I am well full, but it doesn't feel like my sugar is high either. I've been doing good on my sugar intake and have found really great replacements for some of my favorite snacks. I found these amazing sugar-free popsicles from PhillySwirl. I haven't found a sugar-free popsicle that I liked remotely well but these are beyond fantastic.

Anyway, I was sitting here on my break today, with this weird headache and feeling overall just rotten when I suddenly felt compelled to take a pregnancy test. I bought a pack of them a while ago and I've been so fed up that I haven't even thought about getting pregnant or counting my cycles or anything. So, I took it and it was negative. I'm not sure what compelled me to do that, maybe it was my deep deep inner wants playing tricks on my fragile mind. I'm fine with the outcome though, I've been through this many times and will many times in the future. I have been blessed the last few months and I constantly think how lucky I am to have a job that I love, a job I wouldn't have if I had children of my own right now. I think God needs me to be with Grace and Jennie right now and I am glad I have such a good place to be before he calls on me for another job.

I keep forgetting to mention the Relief Society conference last week. Thoughts from that night keep floating around in my head and I've been putting off talking about it. I produced a video for the program that night which featured photos of the women of our stake. It turned out better than I could ever have hoped for. I came early to set up my video and help set up the food for dinner. We even had a visit from the fire department. I do hope I'm never in that building if a fire were actually started... So, we had a lovely dinner and program before the conference began. I felt it only necessary to dedicate the video to Courtney, who I had thought of often during it's production. I had forgotten to tell my fellow Trophy Club Ward sisters that the last picture was Courtney and her baby, which caused the floodgates to open for everyone Courtney has touched. I apologize for this, but it's safe to assume everyone would have needed the Kleenex anyway. The conference was very amazing, I hate to admit that I have slightly felt spiritually empty. I really needed to fill my cup and after the last week, it is truly running over.