Something dawned on me a few months ago. Forest and I got married when I was almost 21 years old. My Mom was also 21 when she married my Dad. She was 23 when she had my sister, Crystal, and was just about to turn 26 years old when she had me. That means when she was 25, in the fall after her birthday, my parents decided to have another baby. If I were running on that same time line, I would already be pregnant with my second child. My parents planned us out pretty well, we are all 3 years apart, nearly to the day. Part of me wishes that it were that easy for me.
It is not a secret that Forest and I are having a hard time having a baby. If you are reading this and didn't know that, I'm actually quite shocked! I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but not in the way you might think. I have suffered miscarriages and so many false alarms. There are times I get so discouraged and curse my body for being so uncooperative. For the most part though, I am actually okay dealing with all of this. From a very young age, I have always known that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to get married young, have a few children and live happily ever after. I did get married fairly young and I know that I was ready to. In school it seemed we were constantly writing papers about where wanted to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. I'm sure all of those papers included owning a house, being married, having children, etc. I had a teacher named Ms. Maul, she was my Allied Health teacher and also my absolute favorite. She always told us that none of us could have kids (or get married for that matter) until we were 25. When she found out I got married she still told me to wait until I was 25 to start having kids. I would blame this all on her, but I'm 25 and still nothing!
A few weeks ago I started having really bad food aversions, night-time nausea and other tell-tale pregnancy signs. We got our hopes up really high actually. We have been on this spiritual high for the past two months, we felt that this really could be it, that us getting Sealed was going to finally bring us this miracle. It didn't. Dealing with this is something that I have to do, talking about it and knowing that it's really alright. There is so much of me that wants to hold our first tiny little thing in my arms. I think there is more that we need to accomplish first.
The true purpose of this is to let all of my friends and family know that it is alright to talk about this. There are so many of my friends who have had problems having kids in the past and as much as it pains me that you are having to deal with this too, having you there helps me know that anything is possible. I will always be sad when it doesn't happen, but I will continue to be sad if I can't let it out and let everyone help me get through.
I can tell you who probably helps me the most and doesn't even know it is Gracie. She has taught me so much about patience in the last 18 months. I'm sure she has learned to be patient with me sometimes too. No matter what mistakes I might make with her though, I know that she has unconditional love for everyone in her life. She sees the things in me that I can't see in myself.
I feel like my life has been put on hold slightly, like we are just standing around waiting for this big change. We have made a lot of progress this last year though, we have made several huge leaps forward so it seems completely unfitting for me to feel this way! I guess that is a big thing I need to work on, knowing that we need to move on with our lives and enjoy being in it with each other and the people we have surrounding us. We are so blessed to have what we have, our friends, our family and our home. Thank you for your patience, whoever took the time to read this, those are my true friends and you know who you are!